Let me just say that I’ve been to Santa Fe and know what a real burrito tastes like. I’ve had breakfast burritos there that tasted better than a top of the line steak dinner at [insert over-priced foodie trend-hole here]. The Mexican and Spanish south of the border know what they’re doing when it comes to steaks, to be sure, but more importantly, they know how to make a decent burrito.
Coming back to Canada, I went on an extensive search to find the perfect burrito (breakfast and otherwise) and while not the most gourmet of foods, when it’s late at night, you’ve been writing, drawing, or out having a few drinks with friends, there’s nothing like picking up something that not only simply tastes good, but sticks to your ribs in a most satisfying way.
Anyway, a lovely little Ecuadorian coffee shop opened across the street from me and thanks to my friend Diliana, I have found the equivalent of the breakfast burrito I had been so longing from my mornings in Santa Fe. In my joy, I foolishly (not to the owners of espresso mi vida, of course) extolled the virtues of this delicious café to my co-workers and now, every Friday, the morning ritual from Santa Fe is now taking place here.
Regarding the beef and bean or bean and cheese delights previously mentioned, I have yet to find anything comparable and yet, believe it or not, the closest I can get to something as simple, is the packaged bean and cheese or beef and bean burritos you find at your local supermarket.
All they contain are refried beans, some spices and cheese. Don’t start squawking about the preservatives or I’ll go into a tirade about the life-span of the average pioneer settler. They used to sell these at 7-11 and so one dark night after getting a craving for these microwaved bombs of refried beans, I reluctantly made my way to the only place open at half-past midnight.
To my disappointment, they did not have any of the average junk-food burritos I desired. Instead, they had another proprietary brand called “Big Eats” by 7-11 themselves. Weighing the options I thought, how bad could it be considering I once found a bone nub in one of my favored packaged burritos of yore. I mean, how badly can one mess up a bean and cheese burrito? (Yes, you’re about to find out how…)
Here’s the packaging below. I refused to eat any of this tortilla-wrapped vomit after my first wary bite.
And now, you may see for yourselves how the idiots at 7-11 head office has ruined a perfectly good fast food item. (Click on it for a nice close examination. I didn’t eat any of it. Go’wan, you know you want to.)
Looks like roadkill doesn’t it? Like someone backed over a human body several times. One that contained giant toads in each pocket. Every restaurant and foodstuff manufacturer seems to think that the trick to recreating “Southwestern” style edibles is to add all manner of debris that have no part in the cooking of certain dishes down there. It reminded me of a crappy little chain restaurant I used to live near that put green peppers in everything, save the creme bruleé.
If I were a scientist, I would have rushed down to the lab and liquified this trash just to separate the chunks of spanish onions, cooking onions, red peppers and green peppers from what’s left of the actual bean matter and non-existent cheese. I’m just curious that way.
Currently, I am suffering from heart-burn and nausea. (I seriously only had one bite.)
7-11. Next time you try to make an actual product, instead of just getting some zombified dope behind the counter to sell them, please for god’s sake, take my burrito recipe. It’s yours.
Tortilla Shell
Refried Beans
Cheddar Cheese
And one last thing. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT heat for 45 seconds like the packaging says. Unless you think you could eat the above cold.
